The pickup
By Barry Hill
Sorry, girls, but this one is from the point of view of a fella. After all, I’m a fella and this is about the pickup.
For most red-blooded young men, the pickup has caused more stress, frustration and tribulations (whatever they are) than anything else. Well, just imagine how much that is compounded by not being able to see. Still, it’s not a problem for me anymore as I’ve been in a loving relationship for many years now (I’ve got to start with this disclaimer, just in case she reads this).
There was a time when I had to play the game of the Gods and find someone to love, just for the night at least. The hardest hurdle to get over is not being able to see body language. This is a real Biggy in the dance, and, without it, a person is at a severe disadvantage. Ok, to some extent, this is mitigated by the ‘Let’s just go for it and see what happens regardless’ attitude, but the signs can oh-so easily be mis-interpreted.
For example, the girl of my desires might not be flirting with me in particular, but could just be that flirty type, or it could be that she’s just friendly, which you’re not used to being that you’re a sexually frustrated virgin. Well, I was once upon a distant time.
Thing is, dear reader, what if the flirting is more than just friendliness, the accidental touches were done on purpose, and she does actually want you to kiss her rosy red lips… but you’ve taken heed of these musings and played it safe. You’ve lost your opening and now the only thing that’s going to be blown is your big chance.
You might come across that mothering sort who likes to look after you. Even if she does fancy you, I’d steer clear of the mothering type. Yeah, it would be nice for a partner to be caring and thoughtful, but remember, your mother might have given you cuddles and stuck a tit in your mouth, but she also chose your clothes for you and made sure you did exactly what she wanted you to do. Do you really want to get into that as an adult?
You’ve also got to watch out for the boy scout/girl guide syndrome. This is where people like to make themselves feel self-righteous and needed by performing selfless acts, such as looking after the poor, useless blind man. Strange, but I’ve never found that the selflessness extends to cleaning my house, monetary gifts or sexual favours. Ha ha look at that. I put priority to cleaning then sex as a third consideration – Show’s I’m middle aged.
Now, can anyone tell me how you go about performing a classic, Rett Butler style kiss with the object of your lust when you can’t see their head, let alone make out their lips? Don’t know who Rett Butler is? Ask your mum. If she doesn’t know, ask your granny but don’t tell me as I don’t want a reminder of just how middle-aged I am.
Picture the scene: I’m in a bar chatting to what I hope is alovely girl, I’ve been getting on really well, asking questions that are getting progressively more personal, our heads are getting closer, and the tone of her voice has dropped to a husky vamp. Do I close the gap and pucker up hoping that she’ll do the rest of the aiming? In reality, if I could see her face then I would have realised that the personal questions are not appropriate and she’s been looking around wildly for some escape, she’s moving in closer because the idiot behind is crowding her in, and her voice is getting lower and huskier through stressed because she doesn’t know if it’s protocol to tell a blind man to fuck off.